How To Actually Wear Pants

Put your right leg in the right pantleg
Put your left leg in the left pantleg
Pull up the zipper (zzzzzip!)
And push the button through the hole
Give it a rub for good luck
Comb the tassels to eliminate knots
(We don’t want to get tangled)
Roll up the cuffs
Three rolls
Or knee high
Whichever comes first
Inflate the personal space maintenance buffers
And tune the jingle bells
To F sharp
Myxilydian
Insert a package of gum into one of the back pockets
But not both
Now you are wearing your pants
Now you are wearing your pants
Now you are wearing your pants
Now you are wearing your pants