Breaking News

We’re just receiving reports of an incident at a farm in Sussex where a number
of people have been arrested in connection with «Annoying The Nation».
It is believed that that the owner of the farm, a Mr. Hibbert, has been
co-operating with Police and government officials in a plot codenamed Operation
Less Pricks, and kindly granted permission for the use of his seventeenth
century tithe barn as a temporary holding place for those arrested.
Although not confirmed, we are led to understand that those already charged
include:
Bus drivers who don’t wait for people to sit down before pulling away from the
bus stop;
Taxi drivers who use their horns instead of knocking on the door;
People who moan at the council about the streets being full of litter,
not stopping to think that it is people who drop litter, not the council;
A room full of drama teachers listening to Bjork;
Grown men with replica shirts worn over their jumpers, who stand up and stretch
out their arms when the opposing team fail to hit the target;
An assortment of scriptwriters, novelists and playwrights who own Agas but
don’t know how to use them;
A musical equipment reviewer responsible for an article titled «Microphone of
the Month»;
A woman who described herself as «A little bit Bridget, a little bit Ally,
a little bit Sex In The City» and chose to call her baby boy Fred as a
childishly rebellious attempt at a clever reaction to those who might have
expected her to call him Julian or Rupert. Bit of advice: call him Rupert,
it fits, and besides it’s a good name. Don’t be calling him Fred or Archie,
with all its cheeky but lovable working class scamp connotations,
unless you really do have plans for him to spend his life in William Hill’s
waiting for them to weigh in at Newton Abbott.
Also being held is a whole wall full of teenagers spitting needlessly;
An amateur thug in camouflage trousers whose Japanese fighting dog had run amok
on a Swindon council estate;
A man from the record company who said that George Michael continues to
challenge social taboos through his music;
Lisa Riley;
Continuity announcers introducing comedy shows;
A pub band who get uppity when everyone goes to the bar during a song they’ve
written themselves;
A group of football fans referred to as Commodores, as in once, twice,
three times a season, who feed sugar lumps to police horses at Cup Finals;
An artist who said his next album would be more «song-based»;
A man who informs people that he gets up at six am every morning and seemed to
want a medal;
People who say they speak as they find and are somehow proud of it;
Journalists who try to spell an interviewee’s laugh;
An organisation who declared an awareness week for awareness weeks;
And a council worker who dropped litter.
We’ll bring you more details as they emerge…