The Unfortunate Gwatkin

Unable to comply with the rabble’s hot-tempered demands for unreasonable things
such as cathedral juice and vicar shit, the heavily pummelled innocent was
dragged into the churchyard of St Lawrence and there left to his own devices
next to the grave of young Nelson Burt, whose own tragic tale is of particular
interest to the local historian
It is believed that within twenty minutes of this episode, a further attack was
witnessed by one Slow Dempsey of Woodside Farm, who alleged that he saw the
aforementioned Bridgedale scuttle a full four hundred feet along the Wervin
Turnpike to deliver a perfect haymaker onto a stray colt
This afternoon I visited Daniel Gwatkin in the confined place which he will
probably never leave. I was offered redbush tea and a fig roll. The pleasantry
gave hope for lengthy discourse but cheer was swiftly dismissed as the pitiful
subject proceeded to gaze out of a large window for what seemed like an age,
before turning around to fix me with pitch black sockets, which simply said:
«Help me». Then came the song:
Cresta! What the fuck were we drinking?
Cresta! What the fuck were we drinking?
Cresta! What the fuck were we drinking?
I write to people. They don’t get back to me. I write a second time.
They don’t reply
(Cresta! What the fuck were we drinking?)
To ease the loneliness and pass the time, I pace the room, inventing bands
(Cresta! What the fuck were we drinking?)
Experimental trio from Borehamwood: Hall, Stairs and Landing; they’re really
good
(Cresta! What the fuck were we drinking?)
Scott Verplank did not get back to me. Newcombe and Roche, still no response
(Cresta! What the fuck were we drinking?)
Congolesi Unsworth: Glaswegian loons; the singer’s granddad writes all the tunes
(Cresta! What the fuck were we drinking?)
Jodie Mudd, Jodie Mudd, Jodie Mudd. Jodie Mudd, Jodie Mudd, Jodie Mudd
(Cresta! What the fuck were we drinking?)
Uh-oh, Chongo! It’s Danger Island!
(Cresta! What the fuck were we drinking?)
Jodie Mudd, Jodie Mudd, Jodie Mudd
Cresta! What the fuck were we drinking?
Cresta!