I'm Afraid to Talk to Men

I’m afraid to talk to men
I was raised with girls
I’m afraid if I talk to men I’ll look at their dicks
It’s not that I want to
I’m just afraid I’m going to
Do we talk about golf or birds?
Only the nice ones talk about birds
And if I talk about birds with the wrong one
He’ll eat me for breakfast
He’ll see right through me
That I’m a big gay poodle
And I take three baths a day
If we’re talking about Miatas do I scoff or nod?
I don’t know what’s good and what’s bad with cars
I can talk to men for a couple minutes but
Then I know I’m gonna bring up Tracy Chapman
Or Liza Minelli, or Stevie Nicks, or Tori Amos, or Whitney Houston
At least she sang at a sports game once
But what game was it, was it football or table tennis?
Or greyhound racing, is that even legal?
I hold a beer with two hands
«What's up Steve? Wanna hear about all the cool spots that I binge eat vegan
donuts in my car?»
In a button-up shirt and maybe in the perfect light
(«Steve? Steve?»)
I could look like a regular barbecue guy
(«Steven?»)
But make no mistake I’m actually a giant flightless bird
With a crush on Rob Thomas
And when the men find out that I’m an undercover
Fruity turkey vulture
I’m afraid I’m gonna get reported to Dwayne «The Rock» Johnson
He’ll spank me 'til I praise Van Halen
And name my top three craft beer selections
I’m afraid, I’m afraid to talk to men
Mike, Rob, Richard, and Alan
Paul, Gary, Liam’s aren’t usually too bad
But Phil’s are tough