A Little Priest

Well, yes, of course, we could do that. I don’t suppose he’s got any relatives
gonna come poking around looking for him. But you know me, bright ideas just
pop into my head and I keep thinking…
Seems a downright shame
Shame?
Seems an awful waste
Such a nice plump frame
What’s his name has… had… has
Nor he can’t be traced
Business needs a lift
Debts to be erased
Think of it as thrift
As a gift
If you get my drift
No?
Seems an awful waste
I mean, with the price of meat
What it is
When you get it
If you get it
Ha!
Good, you got it
Take, for instance, Mrs. Mooney and her pie shop
Business never better, using only pussycats and toast
And a pussy’s good for maybe six or seven at the most
And I’m sure they can’t compare as far as taste
Mrs. Lovett
What a charming notion
Eminently practical
And yet appropriate as always
Well, it does seem a waste
Mrs. Lovett
How I’ve lived without you all these years
I’ll never know
How delectable
Also undetectable
How choice
How rare
Think about it, lots of other gentlemen’ll
Soon be comin' for a shave, won’t they?
Think of
All them
Pies
For what’s the sound of the world out there
What, Mr. Todd
What, Mr. Todd
What is that sound
Those crunching noises pervading the air
Yes, Mr. Todd!
Yes, Mr. Todd!
Yes, all around
It’s man devouring man, my dear
And who are we to deny it in here?
Ah, these are desperate times, Mrs. Lovett. Desperate measure must be taken
Here we are now, hot out of the oven
What is that?
It’s priest
Have a little priest
Is it really good?
Sir, it’s too good, at least!
Then again, they don’t commit sins of the flesh
So it’s pretty fresh
Awful lot of fat
Only where it sat
Haven’t you got poet, or something like that?
No, y’see, the trouble with poet is
How do you know it’s deceased?
Try the priest!
Mm, heavenly! Not as hearty as bishop, perhaps, but then not as bland as curate,
either!
And good for business, too; always leaves you wantin' more!
Trouble is, we only get it on Sundays!
Lawyer’s rather nice
If it’s for a price
Order something else, though, to follow
Since no one should swallow it twice!
Anything that’s lean?
Well, then, if you’re British and loyal
You might enjoy Royal Marine
Anyway, it’s clean
Though of course, it tastes of wherever it’s been!
Is that squire
On the fire?
Mercy no, sir, look closer
You’ll notice it’s grocer!
Looks thicker
More like vicar!
No, it has to be grocer
It’s green!
The history of the world, my love
Save a lot of graves
Do a lot of relatives favors!
Is those below serving those up above!
Ev’rybody shaves
So there should be plenty of flavors!
How gratifying for once to know
That those above will serve those down below!
Now let’s see, here… We’ve got tinker
Something… pinker
Tailor?
Paler
Potter?
Hotter
Butler?
Subtler
Locksmith?
Lovely bit of clerk
Maybe for a lark
Then again there’s sweep
If you want it cheap
And you like it dark!
Try the financier
Peak of his career!
That looks pretty rank
Well, he drank
It’s a bank
Cashier
Never really sold
Maybe it was old
Have you any Beadle?
Next week, so I’m told!
Beadle isn’t bad till you smell it and
Notice 'ow well it’s been greased…
Stick to priest!
Now then, this might be a little bit stringy
But then of course it’s… fiddle player!
No, this isn’t fiddle player -- it’s piccolo player!
How can you tell?
It’s piping hot!
Then blow on it first!
The history of the world, my sweet
Oh, Mr. Todd
Ooh, Mr. Todd
What does it tell?
Is who gets eaten, and who gets to eat!
And, Mr. Todd
Too, Mr. Todd
Who gets to sell!
But fortunately, it’s also clear
That ev’rybody goes down well with beer!
Since marine doesn’t appeal to you, how about… rear admiral?
Too salty. I prefer general
With, or without his privates?
With is extra
What is that?
It’s fop
Finest in the shop
Or we have some shepherd’s pie peppered
With actual shepherd on top!
And I’ve just begun
Here’s the politician, so oily
It’s served with a doily
Have one!
Put it on a bun
Well, you never know if it’s going to run!
Try the friar
Fried, it’s drier!
No, the clergy is really
Too coarse and too mealy!
Then actor
It’s compacter!
Yes and always arrives overdone!
I’ll come again when you have judge on the menu
Wait, true, we don’t have judge yet
But we’ve got something you might fancy even better
What is that?
Executioner!
Have charity towards the world, my pet!
Yes, yes, I know, my love!
We’ll take the customers that we can get!
High-born and low, my love!
We’ll not discriminate great from small!
No, we’ll serve anyone
Meaning anyone!
And to anyone!
At all!