Look Out, There's A Monster Coming

Lonely, unmarried, looking for love
Life was passing me by
So I sent off my photo, hobbies and age;
Magazine marriage I tried
They say for centuries lovely Japanese girls
Have been trained in the art of pleasing men
Be lonely no more, open destiny’s door
For one dollar they arrange a meeting
My image was wrong, I didn’t like me
So I changed my personality
I bought a delux Merseybeat wig
But it was a size too big
What confidence in my new built-up shoes
So smart for winter or summer
Undetectable in normal everyday use
Look out there’s a monster coming!
Bye-bye binoculars and macintosh
Everything is just great
I take elocution, learn to speak posh
But still I can’t find a mate
Be popular, learn to play the guitar
In seven days you could be strumming
Be sociable, learn kissing technique
Look out there’s a monster coming!
Carnaby clothes, I reshaped my nose
Plastic surgery’s best
To cut down my weight off comes my left leg
I pass a swimming costume test
Are my sideboards too long
Don’t my aftershave pong?
I know my new nose ain’t runnin'
What’s wrong with my tie?
Am I getting too high?
Look out there’s a monster coming!
Disfiguring and ugly, my facial hair
I had removed electrically
I rejuvenated my energy cells
And regained my virility (grunt grunt)
(He put my hand on my heart?)
(I am changing the part?)
He had a machine for a mummy
Please be gentle with me:
I come to pieces literally
Look out there’s a monster coming!
Look out there’s a monster coming!
Look out there’s a monster coming!
(…fade)