I Don't Wanna Be a Homosexual

Aunt Ida Nelson: Have you met any nice boys in The Swan?
Gator: Oh, pretty nice.
Aunt Ida: I mean any nice queer boys. Did you fool with any of them?
Gator: Aunt Ida, you know I dig women.
Aunt Ida: Aw, don’t tell me that.
Gator: Christ, let’s not go through this again.
Aunt Ida: All those beauticans, and you don’t have any boy dates?
Gator: I don’t want any boy dates.
Aunt Ida: Oh honey, I’d be so happy if you turned nally.
Gator: Hey, no way. I’m straight. I mean I like a lot of queers,
but I don’t dig their equipment, y’know? I like women.
Aunt Ida: But you can change. Queers are just better. I’d be so proud if you
was a fag, and had a nice beautician boyfriend. I’d never have to worry.
Gator: There ain’t nothing to worry about.
Aunt Ida: I’m worried that you’ll work in an office, get married, have children,
celebrate wedding anniversaries. The world of heterosexuals is a sick and
boring life.
Gator: Sometimes I think you’re fucking crazy. I’m real happy just the way I am.
People are telling me that I’m missing out on the fun.
'Cause I don’t go anywhere, and I don’t meet anyone.
But I know how rumors fly.
When you’re a lonely guy.
And I’m here to tell you it’s a lie.
There’s stange things going on at night most everywhere.
You know those places, well you’ll never see me there.
I walk by other men.
And I don’t notice them.
But then those rumors start again.
So I’m gonna tell the world.
I Don’t Wanna Be a Homosexual.
I’m gonna find a girl.
'Cause I Don’t Wanna Be a Homosexual.
I guess that it’s okay.
If other guys are gay.
But my hormones are one-directional.
And I Don’t Wanna Be a Homosexual.
Somebody tell me what I did to start this talk.
Is it the way I look? Is it the way I walk?
Is it the clothes I wear,
that make the people stare?
Is it the way I comb my hair?
I’m only hoping maybe there will come a day
When I can make them understand that I’m not gay.
But 'till that day is near,
Iguess I’ll live in fear.
And I curse the day I pierce my ear.
There’s nothing wrong with me.
I Don’t Wanna Be a Homosexual.
Know what I want to be.
And I Don’t Wanna Be a Homosexual.
Soft boys and closet queens,
think Judy Garland’s keen.
But I don’t think she’s nothing special.
And I Don’t Wanna Be a Homosexual.
(instrumental break)
So now I’m wondering if maybe they’re not right.
'Cause I’ve gone all paranoid and I can’t sleep at night.
I went to see the shrink.
What did the doctor think?
I swear to god I saw him wink.
I pray to God I’m wrong
I Don’t Wanna Be a Homosexual.
Why did I write this song
If I Don’t Wanna Be a Homosexual?
I hope it’s not too late,
for them to set me straight.
I’ve got to see a real professional.
'Cause I Don’t Wanna Be a Homosexual, no!
No no no no. No no no no no no no.
I don’t wanna be, I don’t wanna be I Don’t Wanna Be a Homosexual.
(repaeated in background)
I don’t wanna go with guys named Shamus.
I don’t wanna be rich and famous.
I don’t wanna go to a French art festival
and I Don’t Wanna Be a Homosexual.