Adopduction

Kidnapped!
I was kidnapped
I dreamed I was kidnapped
I dreamed I was kidnapped
By a guy with a moustache
And a chick with an eyepatch
Who thought they could trade me back
For some quick cash
But when they relayed the bargain
My family said, «We'll pay half that.»
The haggling went on for days
The days went on for weeks and weeks for years
Riding in the trunk was never fun
But soon I plum ran out of tears
They camped us in the woods, we cooked canned goods
They never threatened me with pain
They treated cops politely, driving nightly
Always using coded names
So if slowly I could trust them
Dare I say it even love them, who’s to blame?
I learned my alphabet and letterset
While setting up my latest ransom note
They got me correspondence classes, gave me glasses
Gave me dropcloths in the cold
My fondest memories are from my hostage crises
I know it’s strange
Although we got so close
You know they never even told me their real names