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28 Seconds of Silence

28 Seconds of Silence

The Harvard Lampoon Comedians

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My name is Lieutenant Aldo Raine.
And I’m putting together a special team, and I need me eight soldiers.
Eight Jewish American soldiers.
Now, you all might’ve heard rumors about the armada happening soon.
Well, we’ll be leaving a little earlier.
We’re going to be dropped into France dressed as civilians.
Once we’re in enemy territory, as a bushwhacking guerrilla army,
we’re going to be doing one thing and one thing only.
Killing Nazis.
I don’t know about you all, but I sure as hell didn’t come down from the
goddamn Smoky Mountains, cross 5, 000 miles of water, fight my way through half
of Sicily and jump out of a fucking airplane to teach the Nazis lessons in
humanity.
Nazi ain’t got no humanity.
They’re the foot soldiers of a Jew-hating, mass-murdering maniac and they need
to be destroyed.
That’s why any and every son of a bitch we find wearing a Nazi uniform,
they’re going to die.
Now, I’m the direct descendent of the mountain man Jim Bridger.
That means I got a little Indian in me.
And our battle plan will be that of an Apache resistance.
We will be cruel to the Germans.
And through our cruelty, they will know who we are.
And they will find the evidence of our cruelty in the disemboweled,
dismembered and disfigured bodies of their brothers we leave behind us.
And the German won’t be able to help themselves but imagine the cruelty their
brothers endured at our hands, and our boot heels and the edge of our knives.
And the German will be sickened by us.
And the German will talk about us.
And the German will fear us.
And when the German closes their eyes at night and they’re tortured by their
subconscious for the evil they have done, it will be with thoughts of us that
they are tortured with.
Sound good?
ALL: Yes, sir!
That’s what I like to hear.
But I got a word of warning for all you would-be warriors.
When you join my command, you take on debit.
A debit you owe me, personally.
Each and every man under my command owes me 100 Nazi scalps.
And I want my scalps.
And all y’all will get me 100 Nazi scalps taken from the heads of 100 dead
Nazis.
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