The News

I don't understand anything, so there you go. You know the problem? I watch too much news, man. That's my problem. That's why I'm so depressed all the time! I've figured it out! I watch too much CNN, man.
I don't know if you've ever sat around and watched CNN longer than, say, 20 hours in one day... I don't recommend that.
Watch CNN Headline News for one hour. It's the most depressing thing you'll ever fuckin' do.
War! Famine! Death! AIDS! Homeless! Recession! Depression! War! Famine! Death! AIDS! Homeless!
Then you look out your window... [crickets chirping]
Where's all this shit happening?
Ted Turner's making this shit up, man! Jane Fonda won't sleep with him, he runs to a typewriter!
"BY 1992, WE WILL ALL DIE OF AIDS. Read that on the air. I don't get laid, NO ONE gets laid."
I'm writin' Jane Fonda, "Will you fuck this guy so we can get some good news, please?"
I wanna see a well-laid Ted Turner newscast.
"Hey, it's all gonna work out! Here's sports!"