Mythical Frederick

Mythical Frederick doesn’t exist.
That’s why he’s got me so bloody pissed.
Clogged up the drain of my shower with hair,
I can’t complain 'cause Frederick’s not there.
Mythical Frederick ate all the jam,
Bought the wrong bread and bought the wrong ham.
I get so mad when things don’t go right,
'Cause Mythical Frederick’s nowhere in sight.
Frederick locked my keys in my car,
Got me in fights with toughs at the bar,
You’ve no idea what trouble I’m in,
From my imaginary evil twin.
Mythical Frederick skimps when he tips,
He kissed the vicar full on the lips,
I can’t explain 'cause no one can see
Mythical Frederick did it, not me.
People believe in Santa, it’s true,
The Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy too
Kids make up friends, so why can’t you see
I’ve got a made-up arch-enemy?
Frederick got me fired from my job,
Brainwashed my girl to think I’m a slob,
I’ll go insane 'cause Frederick, the louse,
Canceled the payments on my phone and house.
Out in the street, half-froze in the snow,
One act of vengeance before I go
I’ll do him in, but he won’t be missed,
Mythical Frederick doesn’t exist.