My First Day

MALE CRACKHEAD: Yo-yo-yo, baby. I’m back, a nigga back. And you know what I did
just for you? I brought you some more customers
MALE CRACKHEAD #2: Aye, what’s up, baby? We tryna get it and make it happen.
I heard you the new man on the block!
TARIQ: Pssh! And?
MALE CRACKHEAD: Well, if you asking me, I— I think that entitles me to a
discount. Mmm… Discount…
TARIQ: Like what, yo?
MALE CRACKHEAD: Like, free, nigga!
TARIQ: Yo, you bugging! I don’t get down like that. Cash money, son!
MALE CRACKHEAD: Cash? Come on, cut a brother some slack. Bitch! See,
I bring you mad customers. I look out, I look out— I do whatever you need.
W-w-w-wait, I got it, I got it. How ‘bout I hook you up with a brand new Rolex?
Look at that, look at that, look at that. Yeah, look nice, right?
TARIQ: Ayo, for real, yo. That shit faker than a motherfucker. You need to back
up with that shit, for real. You need to go ‘head with that shit
MALE CRACKHEAD: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. You— Y-You know, you got one of
them, uh, Timexes, okay. You cool with that. How ‘bout I give you my girl right
here?
FEMALE CRACKHEAD: Please…
MALE CRACKHEAD: She don’t care! She don’t give a fuck. She— She’ll clean your
house, she’ll iron your clothes, she’ll tune up your car, she’ll wash your
baseball caps. She don’t give a fuck!
TARIQ: Yo, what the fuck I’ma do with this crackhead bitch, man?
MALE CRACKHEAD: Hey-hey-hey now, man, now— Ain’t gon' have none of that shit,
man. Don’t be dissing my girl, now, shit. I beat your ass so bad,
you be the only nigga in heaven with a wheelchair
TARIQ: Whatever, yo. Strictly cash
MALE CRACKHEAD (*whispering*): Okay, okay, okay. Hey, man. Look, look.
Don’t tell nobody this. I’ma offer you this. Only you. I did this once before.
Check this out. I’ll suck your dick for a hit. Yeah! Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I know you can’t tell: I sucks a mean dick, see? I hung out with them
crack bitches for so long. I watched them suck dick, and I studied their
technique
TARIQ: The fuck? Is you crazy, yo? Back up with that shit, man. What you
talking about?
MALE CRACKHEAD: Aight, how ‘bout I toss your salad?
TARIQ: Toss my salad? What? Yo, what did I say, B?
MALE CRACKHEAD: How ‘bout I butter your corn? If you don’t like that,
I’ll put cheese in your macaroni! Yo, yo, man, it’s hard being hooked, man!
It is hard being hooked!