The Philosophical Zombie Slayer

He wields chainsaws of reasoning
And battle axioms to spare
But he’ll blow your mind with Wittgenstein
The Philosophical Zombie-Slayer
Brains brains brains
Brains brains brains
He’s got 'em
He’s read Camus and Sun Tzu too
He’s ready to Thoreau down
Like a zombie-bustin' Saint Augustine
One way train of thought to murder town
He’s got this shit John Locke-down
Got that David Hume-an touch
Oh, he’ll commit you to the flames
Just when the situation’s clutch
His enemies, both dead and not
In unlife left to linger
But he’ll collapse all their uncertainties
Like a cleric of Schrödinger
They call him René Descar-nage
And now you’ll finally know why
When it’s finito, he screams «Cogito
Ergo sum-one's gonna die!»
He wields chainsaws of reasoning
Battle axioms to spare
He’ll blow your mind with Wittgenstein
The Philosophical Zombie-Slayer
Brains brains brains
Brains brains brains
He’s Aristotle at full throttle
Contemplating the invisible
He fights undead mobs with Thomas Hobbes
Not afraid to get metaphysical
He hits the road with Simone de Beauvoir
Jean-Jacques
So if you think he don’t know le philosophe
You can suck on his Balzac
Your argument is moldable
Like Plato in his hands
So you’re barking up the wrong sophis-tree
If you’re challenging this man
You can tell him that he Kant
But it’s imperative, he’ll claim
Oh, Confucius say, «You die today!»
Said says, «Actually, that’s a chattel character in Eastern philosophy
centuries of misunderstanding by the West»
He’ll blow your mind with Wittgenstein
The Philosophical Zombie-Slayer
Brains brains brains
Brains brains brains
No one wants to go outside
When the whole world’s trying to eat ya
But hunt 'em with epistemology
You’ll think it’s pretty Nietzsche
So make your Marx and do your part
The next time the dead are at your door
Just whip it out like a philosopher
Put Descartes before the hordes
Oh, he wields chainsaws of reasoning
And battle axioms to spare
Well, he’ll blow your mind with Wittgenstein
The Philosophical Zombie-Slayer
Brains
Brains