Uncle Meat Film Excerpt Part I

Don: Good evening, this is Biff Debris
Phyllis: You know … it’s too much, I know
Don: Coming to you from the motel
Phyllis: Look at that monster
Don: Where …
FZ: Ha ha ha ha!
Phyllis: What are they laughing about? He looks so beautiful when they laugh …
Don: That’s what my psychiatrist used to say …
Phyllis: Twelve years. It’s the same story there with that song,
I don’t know what I’m doing, but look, look at the way he’s changing …
Oh, I remember that in the shower, the first time with the hamburger.
Oh, that was good … But, I don’t know, twelve years marriage,
you get tired of the same thing. But I don’t know, I can try it again sometime.
Oh, look there’s Minnesota! He was a great guy, Minnesota Tishman …
Don: We’re coming to the beginning of a new era
Phyllis: He was a nice guy …
Don: Don’t you feel it coming?
Phyllis: He was, he was okay in this time. He’s washed up now, I heard about it
though
Ray: What is it you’re doing, Mr. Tishman?
Carl: I’m using the chicken to measure it
Aynsley: … pool?
Phyllis: You know what I used to do? I used to watch him eat, and while he was
eating I would ask him what he’s doing
Haskell Wexler: What the hell are we doing in this bathroom?
FZ: I’m going to … While you stand there and take pictures of that,
I’m gonna tell you the, the plot of the movie. All right. Basically what we’re
going to do, today, is spend some time around the house while you meet the
people that you’re going to be photographing for the rest of the week …
and we discuss some of the absurdities …
Haskell Wexler: Absurdities?
FZ: Yes, we’re just dealing with the … the absurdities of making the movie in
the first place and especially about the Mothers of Invention …
Guy From Alabama: You wanna have a circle-jerk?
Aynsley: The who?
Guy From Alabama: Circle-jerk
Aynsley: A circle jerk? What’s that?
Guy From Alabama: That’s where you get everybody around and bet yer meat and
see who can get it the fastest
Aynsley: Yeah?
Guy From Alabama: Yeah, and whoever wins gets nineteen kegs
Aynsley: Nineteen who?
Guy From Alabama: Kegs, you know …
Aynsley: Cakes of what?
Meredith: Gee Jimmy, that’s cool!
Aynsley: Cakes. Cheers. Yeah, anyway
FZ: What could that possibly mean … hmmm, I wonder what happens if you go
like this …
Ray: What is it that you’re doing with this?
Carl: I’m using the …
FZ: You know what I used to do? I used to watch him eat. And while he was
eating, I would talk to him while he was eating, and I would ask him what he’s
doing. And he would say, «I'm using the chicken to measure it.»
Phyllis: Ok …
Don: Can I borrow your comb?
Phyllis: You know what I used to do?
Ray: What are you doing with that?
Phyllis: I used to watch him eat
Carl: I’m using the chicken to measure it
Phyllis: You know, you know what I used to do? I used to watch him eat.
And while he was eating, I would ask him, «What are you doing?»
FZ: Do it again
Ray: Why is he using a chicken to measure it?
Phyllis: And he would say, «I'm using the chicken to measure it.
«What did he mean by that?
Ray: … he’s using the chicken to measure it
Phyllis: Till this day I don’t know what he’s talking about …
FZ: Do it again
Phyllis: That Tishman. That Minnesota Tishman … What a guy …
Guy From Alabama: Eight inches or less?
Aynsley: Uh … eight inches
Guy From Alabama: Eight inches? Well, I’ll get your kind of women, there, man
Aynsley: You can? Yes, it’s cool …
Guy From Alabama: Oh, they got some whores there you wouldn’t believe!
Meredith: Gee Jimmy, that’s cool!
Guy From Alabama: You can just … fall right in
Aynsley: But do they play pool?
Phyllis: What a guy, what a sense of humour … The way he used to …
let me get back to that
FZ: Look at the way he hands that chicken …
Aynsley: Do you want another ball?
FZ: He had a way with that chicken …
Phyllis: He … look at the way he handles that chicken, he had a way …
look at the way he holds it, and fondles it, and he put it right near his
privates …
Aynsley: But that’s cool, still
Guy From Alabama: That’s cool, yeah
Aynsley: That’s cool, yeah, I sort of followed the …
Guy From Alabama: I’m using the chicken to measure it, though
Aynsley: You were?
Guy From Alabama: Yeah
Aynsley: Yeah, where’s the shit … or the white dove?
Guy From Alabama: I’m up to my knees in shit, man
Aynsley: Really
Guy From Alabama: There’s all kind of shit, now about … all smokin' shit …
Massimo: And now, we are going to translate: «This is my left hand.
«Repeat after me: «Questa e' la mia mano sinistra.» And now: «This is my right
hand.» Repeat after me: «Questa e' la mia mano destra.»
Ray: What is it you’re doing?
Carl: I’m using the chicken to measure it. Have you ever used a chicken to
measure it?
Meredith: Gee Jimmy, that’s cool!
Guy From Alabama: I fucked a chicken …
Don: We’re coming to the beginning of a new era wherein the development of the
inner self is the most important thing. We have to train ourselves.
So that we can improvise on anything: a bird, a sock, a fuming beaker.
This is, this too can be music. Anything can be music
FZ: Hello? Yeah, are you busy? Well I was wondering --this is Frank-- can you
come, yeah, can you come over here and be in our uh, teen-age movie?
Okay, well, I’ll tell you what the action is …
Phyllis: He’s eating
FZ: Ok, he’s eating, you see … Don Preston … Well, it depends,
mostly it’s a hamburger, sometimes, well he doesn’t wanna eat the hamburger,
'cause he’s a vegetarian … Okay now, Phyllis is here … Phyllis …
Phyllis: Who’s Phyllis?
FZ: No, no, no, Phyllis is the girl that’s the, my assistant editor on the,
on the film … Yeah, she used to be Tom Wilson’s secretary … Ok …
You remember Tom Wilson were gonna run for President?
Aynsley: You’re Tom Wilson?
Carl: Yeah
Aynsley: Yeah?
Carl: Then she came out here work on the Woodstock festival
Ray: What are you doing with that chicken?
Carl: And then uh, then …
Ray: I was measuring the ball
Carl: Then Frank hired her to work on the Mothers movie
Phyllis: Hi, I’m Phyllis Altenhaus, and I’m working with Frank Zappa on his
film Uncle Meat, in Hollywood. I’m a little nervous doing this 'cause it’s the
first time I’d even been a star in a film. I originally started working for
Frank as his assistant editor on the film Uncle Meat, and one day we were
sitting around watching the Festival Hall shots, the rushes, and I saw Don come
on the screen --Don Preston plays the monster-- and I said, «Frank, look at Don!
He’s turning into a monster! I’m gonna vomit!»
FZ: When she sees him turning into a monster she has to vomit
Phyllis: Frank said, «That's it, that’s the opening of the line, that, that,
I mean, that’s the opening of the picture.» I said, «Frank, I can’t be in your
picture, first of all, I have such a bad Brooklyn accent, I’m embarrassed by
the whole thing!» And he said, «Don't worry, you’ll do it.» So, you know,
with Frank, he has a certain way about him, I mean he just gets people to do
these things
Don: He just makes me sick when he changes into a monster
Phyllis: Why? Why does he make you sick?
Don: Oh, can’t you see it how, how … ugly it is that, being that monster?
Oh, just, I can’t stand it, I, I think I’m gonna be sick, I have to vomit
FZ: She just, she tells me she has to vomit, see. She’s trying to make me
believe that it makes her sick when he turns into a monster
Phyllis: There’s something about that that gets me so nauseous, I don’t know
what it is. Look at that, look at that
FZ: Yeah, but it’s not true. Well, you see, it gets her hot
Phyllis: There’s something so sexy about him. When he comes on that stage,
I get so hot just looking at him drinking that, that smoke stuff,
I don’t know what it is. I don’t even care if he turns into a monster,
I love it …
Don: Oh dear!
Phyllis: Look at that, oh him with the cape, but he doesn’t, he walks away.
It’s such a hot move and he, he’s so terrific when he goes back to that gong,
oh, that’s so nice … Boy, I hope no one ever finds out I love it so much,
that hot monster … oh, ooh …
Don: You’re really good at those dials, baby. You’re the most manipulating
person I’ve ever seen
Phyllis: I don’t like to be called manipulating, that’s for sure,
but I like to think of myself as being hot
FZ: She gets hot. And then she runs into the toilet, and she stands in front of
the mirror and she makes faces to herself so she can turn into a monster.
Isn’t it cute? That’s right, then, when she does that, and she’s having a
fantasy that she’s turning into a monster, the monster comes out of the toilet
from behind her
Phyllis: Oh … a little lower, please
Don: How do you work all those controls in there? That’s really fantastic …
Phyllis: Oh, it’s nothing
Don: All of those buttons and switches …
Phyllis: It’s nothing. Look, look what’s going on there! Oh … oh, wow, this.
Don: I just can’t see how a girl could do all that
Phyllis: Oh, now with the, the Women’s Liberation Front we can do anything,
you’re kidding? Oh … oh! It’s so good!
Don: This girl obviously has some sort of demented problem in where she,
she likes uh, monsters that drink foamy vile liquid and uh transform.
It must be some uh, connection in her past, in her childhood of something.
Maybe her father didn’t demonstrate enough uh, affection for her. It’s a …
Phyllis: Oh … it’s been so long …
Don: Tell me, did your father demonstrate any affection for you?
Phyllis: I’ve been watching you on the screen for four weeks …
Finally, my monster … Is it real? Is it really you? Oh that feels, oh,
monster, can I have a bite off of your apple?
Don: Mm … I think that uh …
Phyllis: It’s so nice to be here with a monster finally …
Don: It must be uh, her mother and father probably told her that she’s real
ugly and awkward and dumb and everything …
Phyllis: It’s a good apple, monster
Don: And so she relates to people that are ugly, dumb and awkward
Phyllis: Let me take off your hat so I can really see what’s happening
underneath there. Just what I thought, a monster head
Don: You’ll find this is quite common in uh, today’s society
Phyllis: It’s like Adam and Eve and the apple … Finally, here’s my monster …
after all this time …
Don: That’s why monster movies are so popular, you know?
Phyllis: I’d waited and waited …
Don: D’you know how many a monster movie costs to make?
Phyllis: And there he is, he’s right here
Don: Monster movies really cost a lot of money
Phyllis: Sitting with me, I can’t believe it! Is it really you, monster?
Don: And our young society today goes to all these monster movies and they see
them on television night after night
Phyllis: It’s so terrific to be with the monster
Don: We’re raising a new generation of monster lovers
Phyllis: I’ve been waiting so long for the monster … Maybe this’ll be the
real thing
Don: He’s changing into a monster! You should see this! God, I get so hot!
Aynsley: Would you like a quick vibrator? Now you’ve ruined the whole thing
Carl: Have I? I’ll take one down!
Aynsley: Oh, cheers …
Carl: I thought you get the walking four balls
Aynsley: No no …
Carl: It’s difficult to walk on three
Don: I’m using the chicken to measure it
Carl: Don?
Don: I’m using the chicken to measure it
Aynsley: Charles
Phyllis: Aynsley Dunbar, who’s playing with Frank now, this real English
popstar, very attractive guy, and he’s like into a whole groupie thing with
whips and things, don’t ask me, and Frank got this great idea, actually he gets
this great idea for me, to have Aynsley in the Hollywood Ranch Market,
which we just did last night, hit him with toilet brushes. It’s,
it’s a little dumb but I went along with it, you know, what else are you gonna
do? You’re getting paid and uh, you do these things
Phyllis: Cleanser … cleanser … cleanser … cleanser … cleanser …
Aynsley: Hello, there!
Phyllis: Cleanser … cleanser …
Aynsley: Say, could you do me a favour? Could you beat me with a toilet brush?
Phyllis: Beat you with a toilet brush?
Aynsley: Shhh … someone might hear … yes, beat me with a toilet brush
Phyllis: What’s your name?
Aynsley: Ah, hello, my name is Aynsley Dunbar and I, I’m very interested in
whips and canes, etc. I’m gonna fill, fill you in about uh, my background
FZ: Are you absolutely serious about this? You really like whips and canes?
Aynsley: Oh yeah, yeah
FZ: And you like--?
Aynsley: I didn’t have too much chance to use 'em here, as yet, because it’s,
you know the screams and that, would most likely wake the kids up!
No, actually I’m moving on though to toilet brushes and things,
'cause I think they’ll be coming in this year … definitely
Phyllis: You want me to beat you with the toilet brush?
Aynsley: Yes
Phyllis: I mean like uh, I’m ready!
Phyllis: You know, I’ll tell you something, I find myself saying, «I'm ready,»
you know, and like, I slap my face when I’m saying, «I'm ready,»
because it’s like uh, in the house I’m saying, «I'm ready,» you know? And …
there has to be a limit
Phyllis: That’s a whip, I guessed right, you know I saw this handle sticking up
here and I like, I, I guessed it right on first, you know? Like I know …
FZ: Beat him while you’re talking
Phyllis: You know like … I tell you something. I hope it’s not getting your
kidney or anything like that
Aynsley: Oh look, keep, keep, just keep it high, just keep it high
Phyllis: You know what I mean? I got worried about those things, I got …
you know I’m humane, Aquarius and all this …
Aynsley: That’s great … that’s…
Phyllis: Venus is arising, you know, I’m humane
Aynsley: Just keep it high. Oh, love it, yeah, right
Phyllis: Uhm … well, let’s see …
FZ: Ask him, «Does it get you hot?»
Phyllis: Is it getting you hot?
Aynsley: Oh, maybe it would do if I had another 'bout fifteen people
Don: I know what gets you hot. Hamburgers get you hot, 'cause I picked you up
in the pool hall!
Phyllis: You don’t know what gets me hot, you don’t have the faintest idea what
gets me hot!
Don: Sure! Hamburgers! Look at this …
Phyllis: I can’t take it …
Don: See that?
Phyllis: I can’t take it … oh, God, that hamburger!
Don: But you don’t know what gets me hot
Phyllis: I’d bet I know what gets you hot. Sticks, sticks on your body on a
table get you hot
Don: I’m getting hot! … When I was drinking the potion … and that hat and
that cape and everything … just incredible … I’d … wonder what it’s like
to, to change into a monster … it must be really great
Phyllis: It’s just so wonderful. Give me a bite of the apple there …
Mmm, oh, my monster! Oh, that’s so terr-- Oh! I love that, when a monster does
that, mm … Well, I’ve just been thinking, monster, we can take rides in the
country in the Volkswagen … and, my monster, you’re feeling me up, my monster
FZ: It does get you hot
Phyllis: Well … it doesn’t get me hot
FZ: I saw you laying on the floor in the corner with him!
Phyllis: I, it wasn’t me laying in the corner! That was, that wasn’t me!
FZ: Ha ha … Who was it?
Phyllis: That was Sheba! It wasn’t me!
FZ: Who is Sheba? Ha ha!
Phyllis: Sheba is the one that’s in love with Don
Don: And why, why do you like monsters?
Phyllis: It’s, it’s not their looks, it’s the intellectual thing that comes
across, you know, you could tell that, I, looks aren’t important to me,
it’s something about the intelligence. When you mix that potion,
you know when I’ve seen you mix that potion, I don’t know, it’s the
intellectual way I get hot
Don: Yeah, but what causes this?
Phyllis: You know what I mean?
Don: I mean, well …
Phyllis: It’s, it’s hotness
Phyllis: It used to be very, it was really nice and quiet in this place,
that’s why I came here, because of the feeling like, like a place to get away
from things, and now what’s going on, it’s like all noise and …
I don’t know, it doesn’t … wherever you go nowadays it’s the same thing,
all these guys they’re so disgusting, I can’t stand it …
Don: Look, anybody … anybody sitting here?
Phyllis: No! Go right ahead, sit down!
Don: Thanks. Anybody drinking this beer in here?
Phyllis: No, I don’t know what the bartender … he just left it there,
I don’t know what’s going on …
Don: My name is Biff Debris
Phyllis: Oh, hi! Sheba Flieschman
Don: How d’you do?
Phyllis: So and uh, your name is Biff Debris
Don: Yeah
Phyllis: You know, funny thing, if we got married my name would be Sheba DeBiff
Don: My name is Biff Debris, not Debris DeBiff
Phyllis: Debris?
Don: Yeah
Phyllis: Biff Debris … well, I’ll tell you something, I once knew someone
whose name was Dubois. It, it sort of sounds like Debris, you know what I mean?
Like, is that French, or what?
Don: Well, actually I’m part Mohawk and part Norwegian
Phyllis: Excuse me. Is the hamburger ready yet?
Don: What sign are you?
Phyllis: Uh, I’m Aquarius with Venus rising on my past
Don: Really?
Phyllis: Yeah. It’s really good sign because it’s the Aquarian age now,
you know? And like, it’s all coming together. You know what I mean by coming
together?
Don: Yeah
Phyllis: I think since I came from New York, you know, I’m really …
Don: Are you from New York?
Phyllis: Yeah, you can’t tell! Huh?
Don: No …
Phyllis: I tell you something, so it really means that I’m losing my accent,
you know, because the other day I was talking to someone and they couldn’t
guess either, well, I asked them, I said to them, «Where do you think I’m from?
«And you know they said, they said, «New Jersey,» you know, so,
and New Jersey accent is really completely different, you know?
Like, it depends so, if you come from Patterson, it’s different from Trenton
and Orange County, but you know, I say «Orange» like this, «Orange,»
'cause that’s in California they say, «Orange,» you know?
Don: What’s the, what’s the matter with uh, Debris?
Phyllis: That’s one thing I stayed away from
Don: All right, you’re free …
Phyllis: I think that you can really be high on your own intellectual
stratification
Don: Hamburgers
Phyllis: Don’t say hamburgers, it gets me so hot …
Don: But you don’t know what gets me hot, you see …
Phyllis: I know what gets you hot!
Don: No, no …
Phyllis: I saw it in the pool hall
Don: You saw that?
Phyllis: Yeah!
Don: That isn’t what does it, you see. It really isn’t
Phyllis: Well, well, what is it? You know, like if it’s not that,
then what is it?
Don: Well …
Phyllis: Well, don’t be embarrassed! You can tell me, you know? Like I’m …
Don: Showers
Phyllis: Showers?
Don: Showers
Phyllis: Well, okay, you know, I can go see that, I can see, I can understand
showers
Don: Not, not nude showers
Phyllis: What you mean not nude showers?
Don: It’s gotta be a special shower, you know
Phyllis: What kind of shower?
Don: With these special clothes on it
Phyllis: You mean, you wear clothes when you …?
Don: These clothes! These are the clothes …
Phyllis: These are the clothes that you …?
Don: Right here …
Phyllis: There are clothes in there for me for the shower?
Phyllis: Say he devised this plan, this is how this clothes and the shower
thing all came by, because I was too embarrassed to stand in the shower.
First roll, you know, I’m not gonna be standing naked but, the whole thing’s
taking out, so I figured, «Okay, I’ll wear dungarees and a shirt.
«And, and anyway to tell you the truth I think it’s sexier because,
you see like just a little outline … tiny little bit, you know, like,
poinnnng!
Phyllis: I don’t understand it, but it’s like …
Don: I mean …
Phyllis: It’s your trip, man! You know? Like, it’s all right with me, you know?
I don’t care
Don: And this children’s belt with the little holes in it. Look at those pants!
Phyllis: Ooh, but what has this … do with the holes! I mean, you know,
like I hope they fit up
Don: It’ll be good …
Phyllis: You know, like, okay, I’ll try, I don’t care, I’ll try anything!
FZ: Hi, Phyllis, why don’t you want to take your clothes off with the monster?
Phyllis: Because I’m embarrassed to
FZ: What’s there to be embarrassed about?
Phyllis: Well, I’ve never done that before, and I don’t wanna do it now!
FZ: But why don’t you wanna do it?
Phyllis: I’d rather not. There’s no reason, I’d just rather not
FZ: But what’s the matter? You got an ugly body?
Phyllis: No, I have a great body. I just don’t wanna do it
FZ: But why don’t you wanna do it if you’ve got a great body? Don’t you wanna
share it with the world?
Phyllis: No, I don’t wanna share it with the world
Phyllis: So I did it, and it was, I tell you, I was getting hot, see my shirt?
Phyllis: I’m ready! I got the shirt, I got the pants, and I got the belt with
that little yellow holes, you know? And I’m hot!
Don: And I got the bun and the hamburger and the relish and the orange and I’ve
got my clothes off and I’m hot!
Phyllis: Oh, come on!
Don: You know how many times we …? I go down to Mr. Pocket three times a
week, trying to find somebody that’ll wear these clothes in the shower
Phyllis: How do they look on me?
Don: Oh …
Phyllis: You like it?
Don: They’re great, you know. I had those clothes in the refrigerator for about
two months now
Phyllis: Where is the hamburger? Just give me a bite, mmh … it’s so great,
you don’t meet guys …
Don: Oh, it’s disgusting …
Phyllis: You don’t meet guys who get you off with hamburgers, I’m saying I’m
really happy that mmmm …
Don: Oh, the two of us really make a great couple!
Phyllis: I know, me with my clean clothes and the hamburger and everything like
that, well, you know, we can go places
Don: Yeah
Phyllis: You want me to wash your hair? While you, just hold the hamburger
first, you know, while I wash your hair …
Don: Do you want me to wash it to you?
Phyllis: Well, I don’t know, I wasn’t planning on it, it’s all right,
you can wash my back … mm, so nice the shower …
Don: I can’t bear it
Phyllis: Especially, especially, especially if you …
Don: Some people are really weird
Phyllis: Pull it on my back, just a little bit, it won’t, it won’t hurt,
just a little bit over there, this side, it’s terrific, with the hamburger
Phyllis: Hamburger meat … Hhhh … Oh …
FZ: Wouldn’t that be better if you had your clothes off then you can uh,
enforce him on your arms?
Phyllis: No, I … don’t need my clothes off, I can get the gratification that
I want just like this
Phyllis: Oh, doesn’t that feel good, oh, it’s so great. I’m so glad that I met
you today …
Don: Mmmm …
Phyllis: And this hamburger …
Don: Do you mind if I rub some of this in your hair?
Phyllis: Oh I don’t mind, let me just take out that little thing here, mmm …
Don: Oh, boy …
Phyllis: A little bit, wait, it’s, but I don’t know, do you have cream rinse
here? … this strip I won’t be able to …
Don: Cream rinse?
Phyllis: Yeah … 'cause I …
Don: Eugh!
Phyllis: I won’t be, let me see how it feels with the soap
FZ: Whi-whi-which parts get you the hottest that can be rushed with the
hamburger?
Phyllis: Well I think uh … what part!
Don: Oh, I love this with hamburgers under the clothes
Don: You’re getting hot, come on
Phyllis: Oh, am I hot, over this hamburger! Oh, I think of my uh …
Don: For a hundred dollars you’re getting hot
Phyllis: Oh, am I hot! I’m so hot! Hhh … I’m so hot from this hamburger, oh.
FZ: Get hot!
Phyllis: I’m so hot!
FZ: Under, under … Ha ha ha ha!
Don: Undulate
FZ: Look!
Don: You … it’s getting better
Phyllis: Where’s the hamburger? Just … those …
FZ: Hamburgers with soap are good
Phyllis: Ha-a … let me take a little bite, mmm … delicious! Let me put it
in here so I don’t lose it. I don’t wanna in case I wanna little piece after,
could you do my back?
Don: Oh yeah …
Phyllis: Underneath the shirt, don’t be bashful, I, oh, I know it makes you hot,
like if you keep …
Don: Yeah, I like the shirt better. I’ll wash the shirt
Phyllis: Oh, let me take a little bit of the hamburger
FZ: Ha ha!
Phyllis: You know, the last guy that I was with he just had Ground Choc,
you know what Ground Choc tastes like in the shower, man …
FZ: Ha ha ha ha!
Don: Oh …
Phyllis: This is odd meat, where did you get this?
FZ: Ha ha ha!
Phyllis: Just like the health food stuff, are you a health food person?
You know, like …
Don: No, I am Uncle Meat!
Phyllis: You are Uncle Meat?
Phyllis: And because you’re the main man with the burgers …
FZ: «And the burger’s my trip.»
Phyllis: And the burger’s my trip and is such a groove, I wanna show my
appreciation and I wanna clean your bathroom … the cleanser …
FZ: «I am going to the Hollywood Ranch … «Phyllis: I’m going to the Hollywood Ranch Market and I’m gonna buy the cleanser
Don: And because you have worn the clothes …
Phyllis: Cleanser …
Don: That got me hot, the shirt …
Phyllis: Cleanser …
Don: The pants and the little brown belt, children’s belt with the holes in it.
Phyllis: Cleanser …
Don: I will …
Phyllis: Cleanser …
Don: Accept your offer to go to the Hollywood Ranch Market …
Phyllis: Cleanser …
Don: And get the cleanser and clean my bathroom
Janet: He’s from that group Cleanser. He looks pretty kinky. Too bad we didn’t
have our garters on
Janet and Lucy: EEEEEEEUH!
Janet: Oh, what do you expect from work in this joint
Lucy: Ooh Janet, he has a vibrator! Now, ooh … Eeeuh! Ha ha ha! Ah … ah …
ah! Ooh wha … ooh! Hhh … ah …
Don: We’re coming to the beginning of a new era at the motel, where we have
been working secretly on a new composition in the back room, in our secret
chambers. 'Cause everything is secret. We’re trying to get the secret karma
change for the whole world, you see, like this whole karma thing,
it’s really what’s causing all the problems, so we have to get a composition
and, I’m sure that it’s going to be a hit single, because everyone is going out
and buying our new hit single, for this group that uh …
FZ: «You remember our other single 'The Bun'?»
Don: Yeah, you remember our other single, «The Bun»? See, this, this was our
last composition …
Aynsley: Plugging it in …
Don: And uh, it was pretty hard to play because uh, some of the members of the
group couldn’t read music, you see? But we got it all straightened out and,
some of them quit and everything but …
Aynsley?: A few holes in the Brothers …
Don: Uh, with our new arrangement we really hope to do big things, you know?
Like we hope to change every single person’s karma and that in turn will
change and upgrade all the ecology problems, all the pollution and all the air
and everything, you know? And this right here is the composition I was speaking
of and uh, this is the guitar part, this is the vocal, this is the bass part,
and this little section over here could be for the dancer, but she keeps
quitting all the time so we don’t really know uh, if she’s gonna be in it which
she is now or just take it out like that. Now, it’s very difficult to compose
this type of thing, because like, the slightest movement that you can make of
one single article could define whether it’s underground or real commercial,
see? If we put the sock over here it’s more commercial than if it were over
here, then it’s real underground, you understand? So we take you now to the
motel, where the group is deep in … just deep
Motorhead: … straightest member is the writer, you know what I …
Don: Hey, listen you guys, I would like just …
Meredith: These guys can work together
Don: Talk about the arrangement here
Aynsley: How about that new drum solo you just worked out?
Don: I’ve got a new composition
Meredith: It’s rhythmic, huh?
Motorhead: Now that’s beautiful
Don: Listen … Silence, fools! … SILENCE, FOOLS! Don’t you believe in
progress?
Carl: I’m using the chicken to measure it
FZ?: Take that progress and stick it under a rock!
Carl: I’m using the chicken to measure it … I’m using the chicken to measure
it … I’m using the chicken to measure it … I’m using the chicken to measure
it … I’m using the chicken to measure it … I’m using the chicken to measure
it … I’m using the chicken to measure it
FZ: What are you doing with the chicken?
Carl: I’m using the chicken to measure it
FZ: What are you doing with the chicken?
Carl: I’m using the chicken to measure it
Motorhead: Outta site! That’s outta site!
Meredith: That’s beautiful!
FZ: What are you doing with the chicken?
Carl: I’m using …
Don: That’s what we need for our new song
Meredith: That was a good composition!
Motorhead: We got it!
Aynsley: Can you write one like that then?
Don: I did! Well …
Ray?: You would? I mean …
Don: At last night, that’s …
Ray: That’s when he starts in with the guitar …?
Don: Now look …
Ray: Then he comes in with his guitar solo?
Don: You guys, do you see this over here?
Ray: Why does he have this?
Don: Can you see this over here? This is the new composition that we’re going
to make a hit single with
Aynsley: What’s it called, «Junk Shuffle»?
Don: No …
Ray: «Junkyard.»
Aynsley: What’s it called?
Carl: I’m using the chicken to measure it
FZ: It’s called «We're using the chicken to measure it.»
Carl: I’m using the chicken to measure it
Don: Right, «We're using the chicken to measure it.» Well, I couldn’t get a
chicken, I, all I got was …
Motorhead: That would be the title. Ray’s got a chicken
Aynsley: Yeah!
Motorhead: You can use Ray’s chicken to measure it
Don: But uh …
FZ: No, no, that’s part of the concept, you’re using the chicken to measure the
pitch in?
Aynsley: It’s what I choose
Don: Oh, I see, yeah, are we using the chicken to measure it?
Motorhead: Or drumming?
Don: I’ll show you, this is …
Ray: How about a sock?
Motorhead: I thought it was cooler
Don: This is the guitar part, right here
Motorhead: Then let me see …
Aynsley: Pull her
Motorhead: It’s that what I play? That’s my part
Don: That’s your part
Motorhead: Oh, that A …
Don: And this is a new concept
Motorhead: I can’t learn that by tomorrow, man, there’s no way
Don: Tonight
Motorhead: I can’t learn it tonight!
Don: Listen, I got the time booked
Motorhead: I can’t even …
Aynsley: Tonight? OW!
Don: At the Hollywodd Ranch Market tonight, man!
Meredith: That’s pretty heavy, man
Aynsley: But tonight?!
Meredith: That’s pretty heavy …
Motorhead: My strings are flat, my pickups are shot, do Herbie wouldn’t give us
an advance so I can buy some new strings and an amp?
Don: Listen, I’ll take care of everything
Don: You see, Countess, the problem is uh, it’s very hard to talk about but,
the guys need equipment, you know like he needs batteries and uh, and, and uh,
needs strings for his guitar, you know? And, and some of the electronic
equipment needs boosting and uh, we have a good prog and everything, you know?
I just wanted to find out if we could get any awr … nng … gnn …
Do you have a pencil and a paper? Uh huh … thanks …
Francesca: Royalties?
Don: GNG! MMnnnngrgGGL! Sorry, would you mind not using that word? It’s a …
Francesca: Who cares about royalties?
Don: Grrah!
Francesca: Look, I’ve seen everybody around, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones,
Arthur Brown, and his fire and his head … Oh, man, I’ve never got so hot as
long, I’ve ever got so hot until I started to, to use the chicken head to
measure it with it
Guy From Alabama: We must say it in Alabama language, man, I can’t understand
Another «Guy From Alabama»: Playing that kind of music and eating meat,
you’ll never …
Aynsley: I say … I say …
Guy From Alabama: (unintelligible shouting)
Aynsley: I say, old boy, you speak English?
Guy From Alabama: Hey man, you got any peas or beans or anything like that?
Don: You have to admit this is different
Motorhead: Oh I hate … that’s a drum, that’s gotta be a drum
Don: I mean … I know what it’s like, to me the idea of being commercial is
doing something different
Meredith: Bet that one’s a heavy one …
Carl: The way they feed …
Don: You know? Something people can … can …
Carl: WAH!
Don: It’s not the same old thing
Aynsley: Hey, but that, that isn’t a …
Meredith: Have to practise …
Aynsley: No!
Carl: WAH!
Don: NO!
Motorhead: Look out!
Ray: Oh …
Don: That’s it, Ray …
Motorhead: Chicken’s in the …
Don: Now, use the chicken to measure it
Motorhead: Chicken’s in the …
Aynsley: Biff, man, how does that fit into the part, though … heavy like that
Meredith: And what is after into that my part there?
Don: This is the music
Meredith: Where? where?
Don: This, the whole thing is the music
Meredith: Ah, but how does that one fit into all …
Aynsley: But there’s no head, man
Meredith: But how does that fit into all that?
Aynsley: Oh yeah, there’s …
Ray: Are you using a chicken to measure it?
Meredith: What’s the concept of this?
Motorhead: There’s no way we can play it
Meredith: What’s the concept of this number?
Don: Look, look …
Motorhead: Not by tonight, man! It can’t be done
Aynsley: Let me … anyway, man, I’m going out tonight, you know,
I’ve got a few chicks to meet
Motorhead: I’m going to hear the Fudge
Don: You guys, if you wanna make a hit single and I mean, a hit single
Aynsley: Yeah, but all I’m saying is as long as you pay us well,
I just don’t wanna know
Don: Well, you’ll get royalties
Motorhead: You gotta get some royalties, man!
Aynsley: Royalties?
Don: Listen, you can’t …
Ray: A monster!
Phyllis: I’m wet … hamburger …
Meredith: This is turning too confusing, I just can’t understand what all this
is about, it’s so confusing!
Phyllis: My monster!
Don: WARrrGH!
Phyllis: My monster! I’m ready! I got the pants, I got the shirt,
I got the belt with the little yellow holes!
Phyllis: I can’t get enough of that stuff, mmm!
FZ: «We're coming to the beginning of a new era, at the motel.»
Phyllis: Look at this over there, look … mmm mm …
Don: We’re coming to the beginning of a new era at the motel, we have been
working secretly …
Phyllis: Obviusly still, still the best
Don: …on a new composition in the back room …
Phyllis: I love when he always did that …
Don: … in our secret chambers
Phyllis: Then changed into … I remember that …
Don: 'Cause everything is secret
Phyllis: For twelve years he’s still working on the same song, I don’t know
what I’m gonna do
Don: We’re trying to get the secret karma change for the whole world
Phyllis: Still kinda get that «The Bun» thing. I gotta stop this,
it’s not good anymore
Don: You see, like this whole karma thing, it’s really what’s causing all the
problems
Phyllis: Because after all we’ve got kids now
Don: So we have to get a composition
Phyllis: And we can’t, he can’t do this anymore, it’s another whole life
Don: And, I’m sure that it’s going to be a hit single
Phyllis: But, I can’t help it, I mean he’s irresistible. The guy is irresistible
Don: Because everyone is going out and buying our new hit single,
for this group that uh …
Phyllis: Look at that face, over there …
FZ: «You remember our other single 'The Bun'?»
Don: Yeah, you rem--
Phyllis: Look at that, right that, right there … mmm …
Don: Our other single, «The Bun»? See, this, this was our last composition …
Phyllis: Oh, God! Oh, I remember that too … yeah …
Don: And uh, it was pretty hard to play because uh …
Phyllis: Look at this, when he did that at the fare …
Don: Some of the members of the group couldn’t read music, you see?
Phyllis: No … it’s better, I’ll tell you something …
Don: But we got it all straightened out
Phyllis: I don’t know, I have to think about this, 'cause I gotta tell him. Ah!
I’ll go back! I can’t be bother 'cause my mind it’s too, it’s too crazy,
it’s going, it’s driving me nuts already, I have to think about work,
I have to think about him, I have to think about …
Stumuk: Maybe I oughta face it, after twelve years «The Bun» just isn’t a hit.
Maybe I’m approaching it wrong. Look at him, a musician, a natural musician.
This Motorcity was a serious little boy. Liked to pull down the shades before
helping her with the dishes
Massimo: And that’s why it didn’t sell. Look at this …
Phyllis: Oh, look at that! I remember --let me stop that and see how the fume
was coming out of his mouth, and the way the lips, the lips, so beautiful and
the hamburger …
Massimo: Try to do something like that
Stumuk: Like that?
Massimo: Maledetto figlio di puttana
FZ: He’s on television set
Massimo: E non cagarmi il cazzo
Stumuk: A non cacarmil catzo
Massimo: 'Cause I have a big bunch of minchia!
Stumuk: A big bunch of minchia!
Phyllis: It’s great you’re learning Italian, I love … That’s what I want!
More, a little culture, it’s enough already with «The Bun»!
Stumuk: I had, I had to change it. It wasn’t right
Massimo: These fucking things didn’t work, I don’t know why. Maybe,
can you see all these little points, white points, on these fucking things?
You have to know that …
Stumuk: Can you see?
Massimo: … all this stuff …
Stumuk: Everybody’s using the chicken to measure it with nowadays, even my kids!
Massimo: … come from my nose, and maybe people didn’t like it
Stumuk: No more the sock …
Massimo: And I just don’t know why …
Stumuk: But «The Bun,» the placement of «The Bun.» It has seeds. It’s different
Massimo: I just can’t imagine why they didn’t like these balls that come from
my nose, you know? This way, tshh! And I spent a lot of years of my life to do
something like that, these fucking things, and it didn’t work. What can I say?
Guy From Alabama: Far fucking out! Far fucking out!
Linda: Hee hee hee hee!
Rodney: Ah! I can dig it!
Guy From Alabama: DONG! DONG! I mean dong, that’s what your minchia is!
Aynsley: Your which?
Guy From Alabama: A minchia!
Aynsley: You mean your dick?
Guy From Alabama: You put your minchia in the stinky-a
Massimo: And you know why? 'Cause I have a big bunch of dick! Tengo una minchia
tanta! And this part of the lesson, I’m sorry, but you can’t learn,
'cause Mother Nature didn’t make you Italian