Bar Mitzvah Boy

Thirteenth birthday
People come from far away
Aunts and uncles show up
I brush my fro up
Feeling skittish
People speaking Yiddish
Buy a 3-piece suit and tie
Tailor’s hanging on my thigh
Practice for the whole year
Paralyzed with fear
Hebrew flash cards on my walls
Voice is changing, dropped my balls
Dad’s mad at the cost
Too bad Mom’s the boss
Grandmas are full of joy
For the Bar Mitzvah boy
(Bar Mitzvah boy)
Bar Mitzvah boy
(Bar Mitzvah boy)
Bar Mitzvah boy
(Bar Mitzvah boy)
Bar Mitzvah boy
(Bar Mitzvah boy)
Okay, up on the podium
I’m staring out at everyone
Can’t remember how it goes
Whistle from my rabbi’s nose
Oh, man, this is it
Make up some crazy shit
Baruch atah, a cha-cha-cha
Everybody says, «Good job»
Now I’m done, sweet relief
Lipstick on Mama’s teeth
Catholic friends all ask me this
«What the fuck is a knish?»
Kids are all coming in
Checks and bonds and fountain pens
Make a bank deposit
Make out in the closet
He’s the Bar Mitzvah boy
(Bar Mitzvah boy)
Bar Mitzvah boy
(Bar Mitzvah boy)
Bar Mitzvah boy
Bar Mitzvah boy
Bar Mitzvah boy
(Bar Mitzvah boy)
The rabbi does the Electric Slide
Grandma’s ass is six feet wide
Party music never stops
All my friends drinking schnapps
Boys are short, girls are tall
Pass me the alcohol
Chug as much as I can
Vomit on the klezmer band
Mom and Dad yell at me
Disgrace my family
But I’m a man, so I don’t care
Got my first mustache hair
I’m the Bar Mitzvah boy
(Bar Mitzvah boy)
Bar Mitzvah boy
(Bar Mitzvah boy)
Bar Mitzvah boy
(Bar Mitzvah boy)
Bar Mitzvah boy
(Bar Mitzvah boy)
And it’s the best day of my life
Until three years later
When my parents stop Making me go to temple
Very nice, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.