Mitch in The S'th

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river,
and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never
seen
One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,"Here's a picture of me
when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger.
«Here's a picture of me when I’m older.» «You son-of-a-bitch! How’d you pull
that off? Lemme see that camera… what’s it look like? «I got a roommate. I live in New York City. I got roommate to save money.
But, see, I fucked up cuz I’m 31 and I’m too old for a roommate.
I fucked up severely. I signed a year lease, too. I really fucked up.
It’s like I wrote a joke that didn’t work, but now I have to tell it for a
year. My roommate says, «I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need
to use the bathroom?» It’s like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer
first
Every time I go and shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving.
So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Sometimes I wave to people I don’t know. It’s very dangerous to wave to someone
you don’t know because, what if they don’t have a hand? They’ll think you’re
cocky. «Look what I got motherfucker! This thing is useful. I’m gonna go pick
something up!»
I drank some boiling water… cause I wanted to whistle…
If you lost your wallet, it’s hard to dance. Hey I just lost my wallet but,
hey this song is funky… fuck it… that shit’s no good… this is a cd
called «hit and miss»…
I got a robe… it’s not a robe really it’s just a towel that fits me
My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a
trailer… so she got halfway. She’s an actress, she’s just never called to the
set
On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana
it’s just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,
' and red means, 'where the fuck did you get that banana at?'