Concierge

It was a terrible day. My legs felt like four pounds of cheese in a two-pound
bag. I didn’t know what to do. My eyes were bloodshot, and actually my legs
were bloodshot as well. It was strange, but I was happy. I got into my car.
I decided I was going to leave the city. Gonna go south, gonna have a holiday
So I got in my car and I wondered why it wasn’t running and then I realized I
didn’t have any keys. So I went in the house, found my keys, came back out,
started the car, and drove down the highway
The highway shimmered like black incense on the bald head of a Buddhist monk.
I drove down the highway and I got to that big city of Miami. The steaming,
seedy city — the city that’s so seedy, the have trees there. Well I went into
the nearest hotel and I went up to the door and I said, «I'd like a room.
«Then I realized I was outside and I had to go inside. So I went inside and I
walked up to the desk and I said, «I'd like a room, please.»
They said allright, and they gave me a key. Then I turned around,
and there waiting for me was the Concierge
Concierge! (repeated many times)
Well he looked at me, then I looked at him, then he looked back at me,
and then I took a putty knife and I rubbed it against his cheeks in a very
provocative way. And he turned around and said, «Follow me.»
So I followed him up the stairs. I went to my room. He opened the door for me,
and then he hit me in the back of the head with a big silver shovel.
I said, «What's that about?»
He said, «You get it free with the room.» Who was I to argue?
And I went in. My whole room was covered with soap. Little soaps,
all over the room, everywhere! In the bed, on the ceiling, everywhere!
I said, «What's with the soap?»
And he says, «What, you don’t like soap?»
I said, «No, I’ll take it, thanks.»
He left the room, and then gave me a stare that almost turned my blood to blood.
Anyway, I lay down on the bed, and it was a hot day so I was tossing and
turning, and tossing and turning. And then the soap started to lather up and
lather up! And I was gonna die! I was gonna suffocate! So I called the front
desk, and they sent up the Concierge!
Concierge! (repeated many times)
Well he looked at me up and down, and he looked at me like I was four pounds of
shit in a two- pound bag. And I looked back at him like he was four pounds of
shit in a four-pound bag. And then he looked at me like I was six pounds of
shit in a pound-and-a-half-bag. And I looked at him like he was 18 kilograms of
shit in a thimble. And then I stabbed him in the face. And then he bit my head
off and put it in a bag. And that’s when I fell in love with the Concierge
Concierge! (repeated many times)
Now we live in a small beach house on a small beach on Long Island — it’s a
long, small island, but I love it well. And he loves me well. And sometimes we
take a trip down the highway that’s glistening like a Buddhist monk with
incense ablaze, and we think of the day we first met — me, and the Concierge
Concierge…